well darling, really sorry for being such a slacker on my slackness. hope your still having awesome fun on your contiki, remember to keep missing me when your not pissed or having fun - which seems to be never! nah i'm not complaining, i know you sort of miss me, i do too, like you said, i dont think we miss each other, just both wish we were with each other, but having a great time in our own rights. well its only 9 day till we see each other again now in amsterdam, i cant wait! i do miss you heaps, cant wait to see you again you sexy babe!

i want you to know that i have been such a good boy, i really is effortless to be faithful when you have a relationship you like being in, thats how i feel, i dont want anyone else, i only want you babe, i hope thats how you feel.

ps this website is only for you, please dont go giving the url away so others can read it, after you read this send me an email so i can delete this page, i dont really want the whole world seeing/hearing me pour my heart out to you! anyway i will only delete this page, not the whole website! that can be your little domain for me to send you messages when i get bored at work and stuff, i might even be able to put a wee chat page on it just for you and i, so we dont have to log in to yahoo or anything!

ok, now its time to answer your last long email as requested:

everytime i went out of my way to check my email and write to you i only ever found one-line emails from you... it made me feel a tad dissappointed

sorry, i know its nearing the end of your trip, so i wont say i will write more from now on, well to be honest i have been a slack bastard, but i have also been busy at work and have not had time to write during work time, its 8pm at the moment, i want you to know im making a real effort to do this, i dont want any praise, but i am still sick and i want to go home, but it makes me happy that i am finally writing you a long letter like i said i would.

Anyway, I am about to go to reception (at my hotel in Athens) and ask if a fax has come for me... but knowing you, you probably forgot or couldn't make time... or didn't even write down the number when i gave it to you... oh well, i guess i have to love your laid-back attitude towards our relationship or not have you at all... so i'll just laugh and think, 'it's cute - it's tim!'

sorry again! ohhh dear how many time am i going to have to appologise to you in this letter! what can i say? faxes just aren't my thing!

craig, lisa and i have decided that we are going too hard to last another month (can you believe we are going to be apart for a fucking month... so scary!) so we are taming it down at the moment and just chilling! ...we'll see if it actually happens.

please dont burn out before amsterdam! i want to go HARD with you (not just in bed ;-)

i can accept the fact that you are not a very giving person in a relationship... i can accept the fact that you used to love writing me letters (even poems), long emails etc and no longer enjoy it or have the time... but what i really can't accept (and will not accept) is your bizarre way of communicating your jealousy (i presume it comes from jealousy...) - like for example, that prague thing was just rediculous, and the worst thing about it was that you didn't just say 'i feel pissed off because you didn't suggest it was a thing for us to do straight away', but instead you went all weird and started saying 'you're having so much fun, you may as well just end it now' etc... and then you emailed me apologising for it... and i was happy to accept it, but then i called you again and you said you'd like to meet up with me in greece and because i told you i got dacked while paragliding (which was not my fault) you started acting fucked and started saying ' well i'll see you when you get back i guess' ... forgetting about amsterdam, and even forgetting that we just said it would be good to meet up in greece. Tim let me tell you now - i will not put up with games or head-fucking.

i agree, i am a jealous person, and its fucked, as long as i trust you there is absolutely no need for me to get jealous, so i wont in future. its childish and its stupid and it will hinder our relationship
no more jealous tim, i just need you to reassure me that your mine and only mine now and then, ok?
*kiss*

and i don't write you long letters or emails anymore because a) as you said, i dont have as much time on my hands as i used to, and b) your here now! so there is no need to communicate by email as much! :-)

tim, i don't know if you preferred it when i didn't have many friends in london, and when i was deeply depressed and consequently very needy and dependent on you, but now i am a lot stronger, and i don't need to put up with anything less than what i want. i hope you realise that this is not a threat (i am being totally serious), and i hope you realise that this is not an email from the monique that left london a crying mess because she had just had the worst, most indescrible night of her life (the thursday before you went to amsterdam), i am a lot stronger now, and a lot more confident. and i am not depressed, nor am i dependent on you. if that makes you angry, then i am sorry because it can't work out unless you are happy for me. tim, please just love me for how much i love you. i am totally devoted to you and would never want anyone else, but by the same token i am happy enough within myself to not 'need' you... i want you, i don't need you, which is the way a healthy relationship should be.

i am so happy for you darling, it was difficult for me seeing you so depressed and not knowing exactly what to do for you, i am so happy, it makes me smile to know that your happy :-)
and i am so sorry for the way i treated you before you left, you are such a beautiful person and you dont/didn't deserve it at all, help me be more like you, your the most giving caring person i know, and i love you so much for being you. i hate myself for being such an arrogant bastard towards you. that side of me has gone, please forgive me, and i want you too, and in a way i need you! but i only need you cause i want you so much! i hope you feel the same way, stop scaring me by saying "i dont need you tim" so often!

*kiss* {fuck i cant wait to kiss your jucy lips again}

if you don't think you can trust me, and if you think i lie (because you always seem to infer that) then don't go out with me, because you know how important trust is (i think you proved that). i love you and i don't lie to you.

yes i didn't trust you, but i have had so much time to think about us since you've been away, in ibiza we had so many siestas i lay awake in bed so many times thinking about where we've been from start to finish, and i realise that i have been fucked in the head with my doubtful thoughts. i do trust you monique, and i wont lie to you in future (well white lies are an exception, liek my little white lie about getting all my hair cut! :-), i was going to go get my hair all chopped off (ask brendon) i walked to a hairdresser in ibiza at about 2pm, i REALLY was going to get it done, but they were closed for siesta, and i went back to the room and said to brendon "i've missed my window of opprotunity (to do something impulsive)), yeah, little wee harmless lies (joke lies) are an exception. but honesty is fundamental in a relationship and i want us to be 100 % honest with each other all the time. i know i will be and i trust you will be too. Love you! *kiss*hug*smootch*

now, another thing... i do think we need to take a step back... go back to having fun because it got to the stage where i forgot how much fun we can have together (i have had so much fun on this contiki but it does not even compare to the amount of fun i can have with you... i had the best time both those times we went out... i loved it). i am really proud of myself that i can genuinely have this much fun without you, and you should be proud too... i have come a long way in two and a half months and as such, our relationship should benefit, but you seem to always be trying to put up barriers. stop it because i look at your pictures every day and i think you are the sexiest man alive and i am fucking hopelessly in love with you and you are my best friend.

well i agree 100% with that, we dont need to take a step back, i really think everything will be perfect from now on, the problem has been with me i think, things were going to quickly for me in ways, but as i've said i've had loads of time to think and i know i want you! and your my best frient too! *warm fuzzies* :-)

and i know we have a bond. a true bond. please realise that there is nothing we can do about the fact that we are apart for so long (i am missing you more than you'll believe), and allow me to have fun without feeling like it will jeopardise our relationship. can't you see how easy our relationship could be now if you'll just let it?? please think before you say things... or before you choose not to care... or before you choose not to say things... or before you choose to play games. i want to have fun in life now, that's my number one goal now, and i want you to be the centre of it. i want us to be a fun couple that gives out vibes of vibrancy and harmony (i know that sounds corny but i think we can be like that). if you really want that too please think more seriously because i am for fucking real.

i know, we do have a bond, and as mentioned above i have thought about all that. i want to have fun too, and i know i will be able to have the most fun in life with you there with me!

anyway, one more thing: i am not happy that i trekked all over london on a fucking hot day the day before i was leaving for nearly two months to type you an example cover letter, to photocopy heaps of shit for you, to then mail it to you and to then mail a copy of mine to you from paris as a guide and to even fill your sheet in as a guide with a clean one attached and you haven't even sent in your application. (bare in mind i did all this the day after you pinched my neck so hard in your drunken temper the mark has only just gone down). and more importantly, you tell me there is a reason why you haven't, yet you refuse to tell me what it is (using the lame excuse of 'i can't tell you over the phone')... from what i know of you, i would say a large part of the 'reason' can be attributed to lack of motivation. fuck tim, do it for fucks sake... and do a reference with a fake letterhead (refer to the copy of the reference i sent). tim, i have an interview and i promise you i will go regardless of whether you do (bare in mind i only sent it off in the first place because it was something that was really important to you)... if you decided not to send in an application and i got a job, it would look so bad if i didn't go... that would be an example of me living my life through you, and i won't do it anymore. i promise you i won't.

there is now way i'm letting you go to work at a skifield without me! i'm fucking coming too babe! you go, i will surely follow even if i dont get a job, your not stealing my idea! (kidding)., i will send in the application, i will do it tomorrow (i'm not going out this weekend cause i'm sick, apart from the notting hill festival, on monday, i'll nurse myself back to life by then).

also, where are the pictures i asked you to scan?

i just did them babe, sorry it took so long, yes i am a slacker, i need someone proactive like you to keep kicking me up the arse!

i love you tim. and i want us to work. please write back, your baby, monique!!! kiss, kiss (am i your baby!!??)

i love you too darling, and we will work, i know we will, we will work so well,

Tim..

kiss kiss xoxoxox
your my baby.

dont your forget to write back!

sorry for all my wrong ways once again,

cant wait to see you in amsterdam!

b

y

e

:-)
. love you.

Love tim....